In my effort to ignore infertility I've been kinda ignoring my blog too. I've been a bad blogger. I find that I haven't been leaving comments or as many comments as I normally do on other blogs that I follow. In turn, the same has kinda happened to me. I am truly not trying to be a bad blogger, I'm just going through a phase.

This phase hopefully won't last much longer. I enjoy that I've been able to overcome my anger surrounding my infertility and live life for me. I feel like I'm a normal functioning human being who no longer wallows in my sorrow every time I have a chance. There are lots of positives to this phase, but I do feel bad that I've been ignoring my blog life.

I haven't had much to report in my life. Things have been pretty calm for the most part. I guess I'm just patiently waiting for the next step in this journey we call life.

After another excellent experience at acupuncture, I'm feeling quite at ease. Again after a rough last month or so, I can honestly say I'm feeling back on track. I've been here before feeling like I can handle this and then the rug gets pulled out from underneath me. After acupuncture I left thinking 'what was all the hype about?' 'I can deal with this.' (meaning infertility)

The acupuncturist and I talked about infertility and how it is all a process that time rules. Time is everything when your dealing with infertility, timing sex, wasting time waiting, time waiting for doctors, time spent giving infertility attention, time off work, time, time and more time. My acupuncturist put things into perspective for me, pointing out that infertility is a process, meaning that there is an end to it at some point.

I sometimes get lost in the process forgetting that there is and was a beginning a middle and there will one day be an end. Who knows what the end will bring, but there will be one day that I feel I can put this issue to rest. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget what this experience has taught me and what it is all about, it's been life changing.

So the acupuncturist and I talked about the processes physically and emotionally when dealing with infertility. I feel like physically I've dealt with a lot in the last year, with the two surgeries and then a cyst. Mentally my emotions have been in overdrive trying to catch up. When someone physically isn't feeling well it starts to play a role emotionally as well.

Since I started the acupuncture the pain from the cyst has almost completely gone away! Physically I'm feeling good again and my emotions are back on track as well. So yes I am still spending time analyzing this, but I'm trying not to obsess or give too much of myself to the process. I can say honestly that I'm feeling pretty good at the moment and not so vulnerable any more.
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Further to my previous post, and to answer your question Lisa, we are thinking of going to Cuba this winter! The vacations plans are coming along and I can't wait.

For so many months, years, winters, summers and holidays I've tried to plan for the future. The only problem is my plans never seem to work out the way the way they are suppose to. I always dream of telling my family on Christmas, Easter or any other day for that matter that I'm pregnant. Well the reality is I've wasted many holidays obsessing that another milestone has gone by and I'm still not pregnant.

The DH and I have put off going on warm winter holidays or making any sort of long term plans for the future because I just might be pregnant. We've stopped our life waiting and hoping that this month is the month. I've been reluctant to commit to going away because I might be two or four or six months pregnant at the time. It's really quite sad, because then the time comes around and surprise I'm still not pregnant. Like for example next month I was suppose to be seven months pregnant if the cycle of Clomid had been successful.

In my effort to ignore infertility I've come to the conclusion that I can't continue to put my life on hold. I want to go places and do things. I want to enjoy these years and not spend my time angry that another month is a bust. The DH and I toyed with the idea of going away on a hot winter vacation. We figured that we would wait and see what is going on closer to that time.

After the events of the last few weeks and getting the news that our TTC plans are on hold again; we are going away on a winter vacation. I know it's not winter yet, but likely we will go away in January. We've already got one dog going to a kennel and the other one staying with my parents. All we need to do now is book the vacation, there's no turning back now!

I've wrapped my head around the fact that I won't be telling the family this Christmas that we are pregnant. I'm starting to accept that these next few months we are not TTC. We are just a married couple without children and none on the way. I want to live that life, the life of not waiting for children. I don't want to have my life on pause anymore. I'm taking my life back and planing things for the future, no more waiting for a miracle to happen (well maybe a little - I don't want to totally give up).

So yesterday was yet another doctors appointment. They did another ultrasound and the cyst is still there. It has gone down somewhat, but nothing significant or it could be the way it was sitting. My doc is opting to do nothing about it, you heard me right nothing. Surgery is not an option at this point because it had ever so slightly gone down in size - meaning that my body is looking after it for now. Everything is on hold - everything. No baby making or trying at all this month or until the cyst is gone completely! So once again I play the waiting game, the one that I never get used to. On the more positive side I don't have to take any hormones at all this month!!

I think that after this news, the DH and I have decided to put things on hold. I will still go to my appointments to monitor things but apart from that things are on hold. Ha, take that infertility - you heard me - I'm going to ignore you! The plan for now is to just live life as normal and not give this bastard problem as much attention. I think at the end of the day the joke is on me because I have been forced to put things on hold. My body is crying for normal cycles without any type of hormones and that's what it's getting. We have tried to be realistic and set our minds that we will start TTC again in the new year. From now until then, I might need some encouragement along the way, and maybe a reminder or two that the plan is to start again in January. So blog world, I'll be relying on you to be my shoulder along the way, I hope you're up for the challenge!

Here is my favorite planter from my backyard this year. I realize it's a lot off topic but I thought I would add some excitement to an otherwise dull and depressing post.

Today I go in to see my doctor. He is going to do another u/s to see what the cyst is looking like and then I guess we'll go from there. I have no idea what to expect anymore, it just seems as soon as I get my hopes up they are crashed back down. Hopefully he will have some answers for me, like what's next? I want to know where we go from here. What is the next step.

I'm tired of waiting and tired of the lack of answers. I feel like every step forward is two steps back. On the more positive side I started acupuncture the week before last and it's great! I had never been before and was much surprised by how relaxing the whole experience was. She had worked primarily on the side that the cyst was on. I was amazed by the strange feeling of relief that it gave me, it was not painful at all. All and all the whole experience was a positive one at a time that positive energy is much needed and welcomed in my life.

Hopefully I will get some time to post about how the visit today goes. The in-laws are coming to town for a visit for the weekend and are staying at our house, so sorry in advance I'm sorry if I leave you hanging for a few days.

Today is our four year wedding anniversary. It also is four years since we pulled the goalie and started TTC. It's been a great four years and couldn't ask for a better person to go down this path with. I felt the best way to talk about my DH is to share a letter that I've wrote to him for our anniversary.

Dear Husband;
Today is four years since we started on this crazy journey called marriage and I wouldn't change a moment of it because you have been by my side the whole way. I couldn't think of a better person to share my life with. You understand me and understand that I need to cry, yell, scream and pout for some times no apparent reason. You are the voice of reason, the shoulder to lean on and the one to turn to.

I couldn't ask for a better husband. Today is our day, our day to share together. I'm lucky to have a husband like you, who understands me and stands behind me through all of life's challenges. Because of you I'm a better person today. Because of you I understand what true love is all about. I couldn't imagine my life without you. Together I feel like we can get through anything. Here's to to many more anniversaries filled with love and happiness!
xoxo
Lots of Love;
Your Wife.

Well where do I start? Yesterday was my follow up with the specialist. Keep in mind I have not seen him since the 'cyst' bombshell, so this was the follow-up appointment that I had made last week. O yeah and to back up a little bit, I made a very long and frustrating trip to emerg last week. The pain is and was unmanageable, I had no idea what else to do so I went in to emerg hoping that they would or could help me.

Well the trip was the biggest waste of 7 hours. The doc there wouldn't refer me to the on call gynecologist, wouldn't do another ultrasound to see if the cyst is growing and only wanted to offer me pain meds. The visit ended in me telling him not to bother writing the prescription because I wasn't there for pain control and surly wasn't going to take Tylenol 3's when I'm allergic to the codeine in it. O yeah and an ignorant bitcthface nurse did a pregnancy test, when I asked her (2 hours later) what the results were - she said 'Negative, aren't you re-leaved?' Seriously she did! I had no response for her, I think she should consider herself lucky. So on to the follow-up.

I went in to see my doc (Dr. Frankenstein), he was worried about what was happening and asked why I hadn't gone to emerg to get this looked after. I told him that I did and the doctor there just wanted to give me pain meds. Dr. Frankenstein asked for him name because he will be following up. Dr. Frankenstein wanted me to have an ultrasound right away to see if the cyst has grown or why it is causing so much pain. In his office there is not an ultrasound machine, so he asked me to go directly to emerg and he would call and let them know I was on my way. He laid out the options for me of what would happen from here. They would first do the ultrasound and see what is happening. I may have to go in for surgery, which is a last resort because of the recent surgeries on my uterus already. They may want to admit me for observation and pain control. Or they will treat the pain as an outpatient and be monitored very closely.

Off I headed to emerg. I think on the way I had a mini break down. I was alone - my husband at work and my mother (who is also a great support) was with her father. I called my mom (because it is very hard to get a hold of the DH at work, he arranged to call me after the appointment, so I knew I would be hearing from him soon). My mom said she would meet me right away in emerg and my DH showed up shortly after her.

Dr. Frankenstein wanted the ultrasound primary on my right ovary (where the cyst is) to see if it was twisting around the ovary, cutting off the blood supply. If that were to happen, I could loose my right ovary. Emerg knew I was on my way, it was hard for me to go after my last experience, and I was going back to the same hospital's emerg. They got me into a waiting room and the doctor came in and told me that once ultrasound had time they would come and get me, but for now nothing to eat or drink and no more going pee because I would need a full bladder for the ultrasound. Well two hours later and a very full bladder, they finally came and got me for an ultrasound.

The lady doing the ultrasound was fantastic, and let me see the screen this time. There is only one cyst, still on my right ovary. It is a bit larger than what it was the last time I had the ultrasound. She said that this size cyst is quite large and goes quite high up and would be comparable to about the size of a grapefruit. They wanted my doctor to be notified immediately because the cyst is still getting a constant blood supply (I still don't know what that means).

There was a lot more waiting and then finally the emerg doctor came and told me that they are waiting to get in contact with Dr. Frankenstein to give direction with what to do next. So out of no where I hear the voice of my old doctor (the one who did the first surgery). The emerg doc came and told me that they can't get a hold of my doctor but that Dr. So-and-so (my old specialist) will come and talk to me.

I was so releaved to know that someone who knows me and what is going on is going to see me. He was so happy to see me again. So anyways to make a long story short, they don't want to do surgery right now because there has been 2 surgeries in the past year and I am so close to getting my period they think that the cyst may go down after that.

He gave my another prescription for pain meds to manage for now and also good old hormones again. He gave me Provera to bring AF which will hopefully help resolve the cyst. He warned me that when AF comes likely it will be very painful if the cyst drains. I have to follow up with Dr. So-and-so in 10 or 15 days and they will repeat the ultrasound in his office. If the pain in the mean time changes or become unmanageable I have to go directly back to emerg for another ultrasound to make sure the cyst is not twisting around my ovary.

I will blog later about the sudden doctor change. Dr. So-and-so has taken me back on as a 'challenge'. Dr. Frankenstein called me when I got home from emerg to review the results, he was okay that Dr. So-and-so wants me to follow up with him. The advantage with this is that Dr. So-and-so has an ultrasound right in his office, so no more trips to emerg to get an ultrasound that day.

So that's where things stand today, the pain is still very real and I wait some more - this time for AF to show up. I don't think I've wished this much for AF in years. Hopefully AF works some sort of wonders and helps the cyst go down.

Well I got into my doctor today, there was a cancellation. I can't say as I'm thrilled that I got in, because there was no good news. There was a reason why the lady doing the ultrasound didn't tell me anything and wouldn't let me look at the screen. There is something wrong - yes another bombshell!

I wasn't sure that a person had to deal with much more, but I guess I was wrong. Okay the pity party stops here! There is a 8 by 7 cm cyst on my right ovary. This cyst represents a dysfunctional cyst (whatever that means) or possible endometrioma! Great! I've googled both, and really didn't find anything too much. So let me know what you know. The one thing I did find is this size cyst is rather large, and typically needs to be surgically removed if it is causing pain.

The pain is still quite severe. I don't know what I should do. My doctor wanted me to follow up with the specialist that did the surgery and perhaps he could give me more answers. So I have already made my appointment for next week. For now I'm just taking over the counter pain killers. I've given some thought to showing up in emergency, then I would get answers and likely a solution to the pain. I am so annoyed with this silly game, follow up here, go there and if you can't get in come back and see me. Great, but what do I do about the pain in the mean time? Not to mention, the emotional pain now too.

So for now I guess I have to tough it out. I will continue to search what this means on the internet. I have my appointment for next week Thursday with the specialist, until then I'll have to wait it out.